What I liked: The point of view, which was first-person narrative, the casual spoken style, and the base story, itself.
What I think could be improved: First off, you wrote a first-person narrative in italics and without quotations, so you are effectively thinking this thing to yourself Nerog?, I am assuming, is supposed to be Nerogi.
The concubine issue there... I'm not particularly feeling it, but I'm not going to say to remove it.
Everything else is fine, though.
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Quote from name="September 24, 2009" »
I'm happy to announce that today I have launched RPM v1.5. New features that you might find amusing are the site statistics in the left sidebar, the heavily-renovated Members List, also located as a link in the right sidebar, and a new self-registration page, again, the link is located in the right sidebar. New planned features are an age calculator for the denizens of Amyorne and improved member profile options.
The quotation thing was basically that at the very end of the story you are referencing talking to other people in first-person, and throughout the story you are in first-person in a casual talking stance. So, at least to me, it seemed that you were trying to come off as being the character telling his story to someone inquiring it. In that case, you would need to encase it all in quotation marks because that's what you do when someone is speaking
Take all the time you need to revise until Sunday night. But if you are making an entirely new one, it has to at least be up by tomorrow evening.
Yeah I was thinking the same thing with the vagueness, but I didn't really know how to go about the 2 names thing.
I know I didn't put it in the story, but he's basically spying on the Count and what his plans are. I hinted at it with him decievering a code and stealing the map, but I didn't want to go into details about who sent him, who gives him the codes or why. Maybe I'll explain in the actual RP, but maybe not.
Well, he doesn't like the Count and his army, since he's a spy and is against them. But he blames all humans for what happened to his parents. Basically, his mind set is that if the humans wouldn't have come to Aboron then the Count and his army wouldn't be here and his parents would still be here. Don't worry, he just kind of hates humans, but he wont kill all of them. It'll play out to be that he wont get along with humans, but can still work with them if they have similar causes.
Just to make sure we're clear on this, although the Asrai are a far older race than humanity, the County of Aboron (one of... I forget the number, I'd have to look for it, but I believe it was five counties that compose the Greater Southland) has been in existence as a working governmental and economical machine for centuries, meaning that many Counts and Countesses have succeeded Count Reithwayr Aboron III, although all have been of the Aboron family line (hence the name of the county).
Anywho, character submissions will be closed late tonight, although I will accept late members and work them in. Great work so far, everyone. This is promising.
(Although, I really hadn't anticipated so many Asrai. I think we've only got two pure humans, myself and Turmobil, and then three Asrai and two Asrai/Human mutts. Weird.)
I hope this RP stays up for a long time, I'd really hate to see all the work you've done go to waste.
Could use 1 or 2 more people.... oh well, hopefully people take notice of it, and want to get in on the action.
Hmm, Seth you may need more variables in that spellcraft thing you made.
I mean theres nothing wrong as is, but depending on what kind of spells we use, we may all end up using the same incantation to get the same effect.
Possibly add in a range, or area variable?
For example, a close ranged spell, medium, long, ect.
Or single target/multi target.
Not a necessary change, just a suggestion for some different spells :D.
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Quote from "Sixen" »
"One in every 10 million people can potentially have a headache from this pill." God forbid she is the 0.000000001% of having a headache.
just a creepin. haha. im not very good with the whole rping story thing.
You sure? Never a better time to start wasting time, as I always say.
I hope this RP stays up for a long time, I'd really hate to see all the work you've done go to waste.
I really hope so, too. I'm planning it to be long-term, and that means that there will be strategic story places where it will be easier to introduce new characters and leave old ones behind.
Could use 1 or 2 more people.... oh well, hopefully people take notice of it, and want to get in on the action.
Yeah. Just one more human and we'd have a balanced group, I think.
*nods*
Oh well, we can still badass it up with a bunch of Asrai :D.
Which archetypes do we have filled anyways?
... Actually, fuck it, I'll answer my own question and go look it up, will post for some info for us all ^^.
Mmkay... so going from the weapon specializations alone, seems we've got 4 thief type characters, one kindof-fighter, and a mage.
I guess this makes sense though, since we're basically all peasantry.
We'll be able to develop our characters skills and styles during the game, right?
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Quote from "Sixen" »
"One in every 10 million people can potentially have a headache from this pill." God forbid she is the 0.000000001% of having a headache.
Oh, yes, certainly. I believe that is one of the things which will make it entertaining- developing more of what we are as we go along, since that's how life is. It will require a lot of creativity and strength of will to remain loyal and realistic to your characters, but I believe all of you can do it.
The story has begun. Take careful note of where we are all starting, the steppes before the fortress, where many of the nobility's homes are placed. There is a great distance between us and the walls of Nyord Sardi.
We have not yet come together. How it happens is to be organic and is up to all of you. Make it believable, passionate, and true to your characters, they are depending on you to tell their tales.
What I liked: The point of view, which was first-person narrative, the casual spoken style, and the base story, itself.
What I think could be improved: First off, you wrote a first-person narrative in italics and without quotations, so you are effectively thinking this thing to yourself
The concubine issue there... I'm not particularly feeling it, but I'm not going to say to remove it.
Everything else is fine, though.
Take all the time you need to revise until Sunday night. But if you are making an entirely new one, it has to at least be up by tomorrow evening.
I also added an actual spell in my story. Seth, can you check it to make sure I did it corrcectly. I added it to the healing part. Thanks.
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I know I didn't put it in the story, but he's basically spying on the Count and what his plans are. I hinted at it with him decievering a code and stealing the map, but I didn't want to go into details about who sent him, who gives him the codes or why. Maybe I'll explain in the actual RP, but maybe not.
Find any Diablo news? Contact me or anyone else on the News team
Anywho, character submissions will be closed late tonight, although I will accept late members and work them in. Great work so far, everyone. This is promising.
(Although, I really hadn't anticipated so many Asrai. I think we've only got two pure humans, myself and Turmobil, and then three Asrai and two Asrai/Human mutts. Weird.)
No longer feel original :(.
Or just creeping on our conversations :D?
Yeah, I guess the statistics point the way, eh
just a creepin. haha. im not very good with the whole rping story thing.
Could use 1 or 2 more people.... oh well, hopefully people take notice of it, and want to get in on the action.
Hmm, Seth you may need more variables in that spellcraft thing you made.
I mean theres nothing wrong as is, but depending on what kind of spells we use, we may all end up using the same incantation to get the same effect.
Possibly add in a range, or area variable?
For example, a close ranged spell, medium, long, ect.
Or single target/multi target.
Not a necessary change, just a suggestion for some different spells :D.
You sure? Never a better time to start wasting time, as I always say.
I really hope so, too. I'm planning it to be long-term, and that means that there will be strategic story places where it will be easier to introduce new characters and leave old ones behind.
Yeah. Just one more human and we'd have a balanced group, I think.
Oh well, we can still badass it up with a bunch of Asrai :D.
Which archetypes do we have filled anyways?
... Actually, fuck it, I'll answer my own question and go look it up, will post for some info for us all ^^.
Mmkay... so going from the weapon specializations alone, seems we've got 4 thief type characters, one kindof-fighter, and a mage.
I guess this makes sense though, since we're basically all peasantry.
We'll be able to develop our characters skills and styles during the game, right?
You're gonna get me all teary eyed :(.
We have not yet come together. How it happens is to be organic and is up to all of you. Make it believable, passionate, and true to your characters, they are depending on you to tell their tales.
Here we go