Yeah, so I had what might have been my longest post-to-be written here, but I made the mistake of leaving the PC unattended and someone closed Firefox, so here's the short version.
That always sucks
I fixed most of what you suggested, kept some things you didn't like but I did, and added some other stuff.
They're purely suggestions. I don't think you're anything less of a writer because you don't do what I say.
I tried to make the narrator really focalized in the character, so when the character is more concentrated on what he is doing, the narrator describes the actions, and when the character is lost in his thoughts, so is the narrator, to the point of forgetting to describe some actions. This is the case toward the end, and I think that describing thoughts rather than actions leaves more room for what you called "my style". That, and the fact that I was eager to get to the thought-description part when I first wrote it, may be why the begining is weaker. I'll revise and try to find ways to enhance it, specially the description of the woman.
Whatever you find works best. I was just struggling to hold on for most of the beginning, and then was irresistibly sucked in for the end. It could also be that I just prefer the type of banter that occurs at the end, and it has nothing to do with how good or bad the style is.
1) You use "toward" and "anyway", I was tought "towardS" and "anywayS". Is this some kind of difference between American and British English? I learned British English.
You are correct. British English attaches an "s" on the back of both of those words. It's not necessarily wrong, and it still occurs even in American English, but it is "more correct" or more inline with modern English to omit the "s." (Associated Press Stylebook)
In any case, I was only taking away the "s"'s that I would personally take away, since I am American. Technically speaking, if you were to write for most global news companies, I have heard that American English is preferred, since it is the current universal business language. Either way, though. Just what I would do
2) In both direct speeches, you added a comma or fullstop at the end: "‘A beer, please,’ I say out of habit." The comma is part of the sentence, not the actual speech, but it is inside the inverted commas. Is there some kind of rule for this? I don't think we use this in Spanish, and it's not often that my writing assignments include direct speech.
Yeah, in English, if you type character speech like that, a comma is needed unless the following text (that is, text following the end of the quotation) starts a new sentence. I'm not sure how that would apply to British English, though. Here's some examples: 1) Kara turned to her husband with a freshly-filled coffee mug in hand. "Morning, Phil." 2) "Morning, Phil," said Kara, mug in hand, as she turned to her husband. 3) "Morning, Phil." Kara held a coffee mug in one hand, a newspaper in the other, and balanced the cordless phone on her right shoulder. I hope those help. Personally, I think the whole thing is very quirky and heavily dependent on circumstance and context, so I struggle with it, too, and I'm a native American English speaker.
3) "(...) a pair of the darkest black eyes pierces mine." Is the subject singular (1 pair) or plural (2 eyes)? I inicially wrote "pierce", but Word complained and kept asking for the S
Don't always trust Word, although I guess you know that. A computer will never be able to write better than a human. If you feel odd about Word's red and green squigglies, look up grammar or spelling topics on the net. In that case, "pierce" is an action being done by "eyes," and "eyes is plural, "pierces" must be "pierce."
I wouldn't say corrections. I would say suggestions You can write whatever you want to. Added links, though. In the future, if you click on the image, right-click on real-sized version, and hit "save image URL" or whatever, you can just paste that in to your address bar and BAM! But, anyway... The images are big because they're scans.
It is good practice to use something other than third-person perspective for your story, although this can be a challenge in its own right.
Your opening sentence is very strong and immediately provocative. It inspires the reader to think before any information is divulged.
And now some criticisms (or negatives). These are in conjuncture with the numbers assigned to sections of your story in the attached pages:
Who or what is "trying to catch the last rays"? I offered "all" as an option to make the sentence flow better, but if you can think of something else, or rework the sentence, then it might work even better.
This was worded a bit awkwardly. I would suggest something along the lines of the following: "As I stroll homeward down Windward Avenue, the dropping temperature forces me to pull my jacket tight." The phrase "as I stroll down Windward Avenue on my way home" is the dominate part of that sentence and should have precedence, in my opinion.
Halfway...what? What is halfway? Halfway to the moon? Halfway down your pocket? This is very informal. I think you should consider adding some kind of reference in here to make it more clear what halfway is indexing.
I would suggest not using this as a whole sentence, but joining it with its predecessor. Example: "...a building that catches my eye: Harrogath, a bar."
Whenever you find yourself writing "it's its," "had had," "is is," etc., try to rework your sentence so that you do not need such redundant qualifiers. Similarly, if you can replace a gamut of words with a single one, such as a verb, do it. It makes your sentence much leaner and more concise. For example: "If it is the sober facade, the candle-lit atmosphere, or the warm-looking fireplace, I do not know, but the bar implores me to enter."
"The" hanger? There's only one? Using the indefinite article "a" instead of the definite article "the" may be more realistic, unless there really is only one hanger.
Bright black hair? That's a strange juxtaposition. Did you mean shiny or something?
Closing thoughts:
Your story and style is at its strongest on the very last page. I would suggest analyzing it heavily and reflecting on what you think you did the best, and then going back to the rest of your work to apply your skill evenly and thoroughly.
Be careful about overusing semicolons, as you went on a spree on the last page, often using them where commas were called for but not provided. Read here for short and some sound advice. I use Purdue a lot these days.
Stats:
Style: 8/10
Originality: 9/10
Story: 7/10
Characters: 8/10
Clarity: 6/10
Thanks so much for the read. Overall, it was entertaining, and, towards the end, even inspiring for something I'm working on. I look forward to your progress and your work. Cheers
That always sucks
They're purely suggestions. I don't think you're anything less of a writer because you don't do what I say.
Whatever you find works best. I was just struggling to hold on for most of the beginning, and then was irresistibly sucked in for the end. It could also be that I just prefer the type of banter that occurs at the end, and it has nothing to do with how good or bad the style is.
You are correct. British English attaches an "s" on the back of both of those words. It's not necessarily wrong, and it still occurs even in American English, but it is "more correct" or more inline with modern English to omit the "s." (Associated Press Stylebook)
In any case, I was only taking away the "s"'s that I would personally take away, since I am American. Technically speaking, if you were to write for most global news companies, I have heard that American English is preferred, since it is the current universal business language. Either way, though. Just what I would do
Yeah, in English, if you type character speech like that, a comma is needed unless the following text (that is, text following the end of the quotation) starts a new sentence. I'm not sure how that would apply to British English, though. Here's some examples:
1) Kara turned to her husband with a freshly-filled coffee mug in hand. "Morning, Phil."
2) "Morning, Phil," said Kara, mug in hand, as she turned to her husband.
3) "Morning, Phil." Kara held a coffee mug in one hand, a newspaper in the other, and balanced the cordless phone on her right shoulder.
I hope those help. Personally, I think the whole thing is very quirky and heavily dependent on circumstance and context, so I struggle with it, too, and I'm a native American English speaker.
Don't always trust Word, although I guess you know that. A computer will never be able to write better than a human. If you feel odd about Word's red and green squigglies, look up grammar or spelling topics on the net. In that case, "pierce" is an action being done by "eyes," and "eyes is plural, "pierces" must be "pierce."
I want to start with the positives:
- It is good practice to use something other than third-person perspective for your story, although this can be a challenge in its own right.
- Your opening sentence is very strong and immediately provocative. It inspires the reader to think before any information is divulged.
And now some criticisms (or negatives). These are in conjuncture with the numbers assigned to sections of your story in the attached pages:Closing thoughts:
- Your story and style is at its strongest on the very last page. I would suggest analyzing it heavily and reflecting on what you think you did the best, and then going back to the rest of your work to apply your skill evenly and thoroughly.
- Be careful about overusing semicolons, as you went on a spree on the last page, often using them where commas were called for but not provided. Read here for short and some sound advice. I use Purdue a lot these days.
Stats:- Style: 8/10
- Originality: 9/10
- Story: 7/10
- Characters: 8/10
- Clarity: 6/10
Thanks so much for the read. Overall, it was entertaining, and, towards the end, even inspiring for something I'm working on. I look forward to your progress and your work. Cheers(http://www.diablofans.com/index.php?app=core&module=attach§ion=attach&attach_rel_module=post&attach_id=342)
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