I tried to separate it as much as possible so that it was not such a large wall of text. Feel free to comment/criticize!
Unfortunately the story still suffers from wall-o-text syndrome. Here are a couple suggestions to make it a bit easier on the eyes:
- First off, don't use center alignment. It looks cool, but it makes stories really hard to read. Always go with left alignment unless it's a poem with really short lines or something.
- Second, you're gonna need a lot more paragraph breaks. As a general rule, when more than 1 person is speaking, they should never both have dialog in the same paragraph. In other words, every time a different person speaks there should be a new paragraph. Aside from that you can bear in mind that stories rarely have more than 15 sentences per paragraph unless you're describing something in great detail. Most normal paragraphs will be around 7 or 8 sentences. If your story has fast-paced dialog it isn't even uncommon to have paragraphs with just 1 sentence!
- Aside from the visual stuff, all you really need is a bit more description. The action scenes were pretty easy to follow, but I didn't gather much smaller details from the story. The locations and characters could have also used a bit more description. Plus it's just nice to hear extra details, like this:
"The undead necromancer's rusted armor still shone brightly as the blast of fire scorched towards him. The creature's disfigured body moved with a speed and grace quite unfitting of a man whose limbs were nothing more than rot and bone. Somehow, by the strength of whatever demonic force gave him life, he was able to evade the fireball; however, not without suffering damage. The ball of fire hadn't touched him, but it emitted a searing heat that ignited the undead creature's parched flesh. The necromancer didn't seem to feel any ill effects, despite his torso being engulfed in flame. Kaylee shrieked in horror as the burning cadaver began sprinting toward her."
Anyways, enough criticism. This story was very fun to read! You've got a real gift for storytelling and I hope you continue to develop it. You'll write great things one day
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- First off, don't use center alignment. It looks cool, but it makes stories really hard to read. Always go with left alignment unless it's a poem with really short lines or something.
- Second, you're gonna need a lot more paragraph breaks. As a general rule, when more than 1 person is speaking, they should never both have dialog in the same paragraph. In other words, every time a different person speaks there should be a new paragraph. Aside from that you can bear in mind that stories rarely have more than 15 sentences per paragraph unless you're describing something in great detail. Most normal paragraphs will be around 7 or 8 sentences. If your story has fast-paced dialog it isn't even uncommon to have paragraphs with just 1 sentence!
- Aside from the visual stuff, all you really need is a bit more description. The action scenes were pretty easy to follow, but I didn't gather much smaller details from the story. The locations and characters could have also used a bit more description. Plus it's just nice to hear extra details, like this:
"The undead necromancer's rusted armor still shone brightly as the blast of fire scorched towards him. The creature's disfigured body moved with a speed and grace quite unfitting of a man whose limbs were nothing more than rot and bone. Somehow, by the strength of whatever demonic force gave him life, he was able to evade the fireball; however, not without suffering damage. The ball of fire hadn't touched him, but it emitted a searing heat that ignited the undead creature's parched flesh. The necromancer didn't seem to feel any ill effects, despite his torso being engulfed in flame. Kaylee shrieked in horror as the burning cadaver began sprinting toward her."
Anyways, enough criticism. This story was very fun to read! You've got a real gift for storytelling and I hope you continue to develop it. You'll write great things one day