I wanted to share. Because I need some sort of input... don't worry, nothing bad actually happened, as far as I know. But almost.
I'm obviously talking about a girl I know, a very good friend of mine you could say. I'll just give the necessary backstory info first: One of her cousin is kind of in love with her, and we all know what he would do if she let him... but he doesn't do it, most likely because he knows he's dead if he do.
But of course, that guy's friends are like him... no, actually, they are worse, and are much less likely to restrain themselves. Again, everybody is aware of that.
So, today out of the blue (like, less than an hour ago actually), she tells me that, today, she was hanging out with him... and his buddies. Great, you all know where this could go, don't you?
One of them tried on her, but didn't really -do it-. He touched her, but didn't go farther or insist too much. I asked if he hurt her... but the only answer I could get is "he didn't punch her". That sounds like he did hurt her, at least a bit. And thats when I started feeling really bad but thats not the point.
She says its nothing. The reason for her to go with them was just a thing with a friend too, it was just a stupid reason. Thing is, all she could say is "its nothing, he didn't RAPE me", and she's just.. letting it go. I don't want to push her too much, but I just really didn't like how she's looking at this... like it was nothing but its... not. And thats pretty damn close to rape and easily could've been that.
I'm not sure why I'm posting that. I'm just shaken by this and I thought some people here could have a point of view about this to share. I've known a girl that got raped before.. and I'm sure we've all heard of someone not that far from us that did get raped. I don't know how I'd react if she did get raped, too.
Sounds like shes embarrassed to admit that she got raped which might be a problem down the road. Her definition of rape is different than what it actually is.
She's one of the most honest girl I've ever seen and denial is one thing she sure knows, but she said she didn't get raped in my eyes it means its true.
But whats rape, then? I don't think what he did to her was rape, at least not any major kind of rape. It certainly wasn't right though, and it was against her will.
I'm just saying I'm pretty damn sure she didn't actually get raped. But I'm also sure what he did is enough to get him in jail. Especially since he's way over 18 and she's 16.
Theres definitely some family issues there though. You say her cousin and his "buddies" did this? People over 18 messing around with 16 year-olds is ugly, not to mention while her cousin was watching.
Rape is sex without consent, regardless of other circumstances. What you're describing sounds like... there was a term for it... sexual something. But could have been anything. People often discount what happened because too many of them don't know what rape actually is, or what is... wrong.
Whether she was raped or not telling people about it generally makes things worse, not better. What's she's going to achieve, really? He may have done enough to break the law but good luck actually getting him in jail. Most reports of rape or other are ignored, and sometimes may even get you in trouble. Want to defend against rape, get a gun. And don't hang out with those people, and people who hang out with those people. That's the only thing that will have a chance of protecting you.
Don't like what this looks like? Welcome to "my" world. If you want to know why she acts the way she does, maybe you should start paying attention to what people say around her, how they say it, and how everyone else reacts to it. Her parents... her friends.
Sounds like shes embarrassed to admit that she got raped
This is really, really, really common. I forget the numbers, but the number of reported rapes is believed to be only a small fraction of what actually occurs.
Rape is sex without consent, regardless of other circumstances. What you're describing sounds like... there was a term for it... sexual something. But could have been anything. People often discount what happened because too many of them don't know what rape actually is, or what is... wrong.
Whether she was raped or not telling people about it generally makes things worse, not better. What's she's going to achieve, really? He may have done enough to break the law but good luck actually getting him in jail. Most reports of rape or other are ignored, and sometimes may even get you in trouble. Want to defend against rape, get a gun. And don't hang out with those people, and people who hang out with those people. That's the only thing that will have a chance of protecting you.
Don't like what this looks like? Welcome to "my" world. If you want to know why she acts the way she does, maybe you should start paying attention to what people say around her, how they say it, and how everyone else reacts to it. Her parents... her friends.
There's too much truth to what you're saying, sadly. Its true that even if we reported it, there's probably just no proof.
I'm not sure what you meant with the last paragraph. How does she -act-? She knows how dangerous they are and she knows she shouldn't be around people like that. She obviously regrets it, she just went with them for a stupid reason and didn't think about the possible consequences. Other than that, I'm not sure what you'Re trying to tell me there, sorry.
Theres definitely some family issues there though. You say her cousin and his "buddies" did this? People over 18 messing around with 16 year-olds is ugly, not to mention while her cousin was watching.
Yeah, there's a few people thats quite fucked up in that family, and he's the worse. Like I said though, he's won't go that far, but when he's with his friends, he might. He's also quite the stalker at times, I know for a time he was constantly knocking at her door everyday and always trying to see her even if she refused.
I talked to her anyway, and I'm sure she won't make the mistake twice. I just hope its nothing worse than it looks and that it won't happen again.
This is really, really, really common. I forget the numbers, but the number of reported rapes is believed to be only a small fraction of what actually occurs.
Thats true, but I still think thats not what happened. At worse she got hurt, but not raped. She didn't look that affected after she told me but I guess its hard to tell. Besides, why would she lie? She's not telling everybody for sure. But she came to me and told me. Why would you then lie and say that you didn't get raped?
Thats true, but I still think thats not what happened. At worse she got hurt, but not raped. She didn't look that affected after she told me but I guess its hard to tell. Besides, why would she lie? She's not telling everybody for sure. But she came to me and told me. Why would you then lie and say that you didn't get raped?
I did a psychology module at uni that touched on the subject. I do not have the actual numbers in my head right now, but a great majority (over 70%) of rape occur through a person the victim knows and a high percentage of it goes unreported.
Denial, self-esteem, embarrassment, exclusion, fear of retaliatory action are all factors that can cause a victim to try and conceal the matter.
Let's face it, even you do not want to admit that such a thing could have happened. Perfectly understandable seeing that this is one of the most lowly crime and action a human being can sink down to. Whatever happened, she's probably not ready to talk about it. It does contribute to psychological and behavioral disturbances (shown by studies) if she tries repressing it for too long a time. Giving her the required emotional support until she's able to come to terms with her own feelings is commonly done by psychologists. Obviously the latter will have a more professional take on the matter. But not many people will go to them for help.
And ya, she most certainly does care whatever you may think.
The definition of rape is sexual intercourse without the other persons consent. What you are describing is more like sexual assault, which doesn't have to include sex, only sexual activities. At least these are the wikipedia definitions, if I'm reading it correctly. I'm pretty sure the latter can give jail, depending on how severe it is.
I come from australia and i am studying at a university whilst living on campus as part of our living on campus we have to attend this sexual assault talk. The guy who talked to us was a lawyer he said that rape is(something along the lines of cant remember exactly what he said)anyway he said by law rape is the penetration of any orifice by any object in a sexual manner. An example that he gave was he has talked to many guys who have fingered a girl without consent and get sent to jail for rape but this is australia and im not sure if its the same for anywhere else.
She was, as it looks to me from what you just told, sexually abused. They took advantage of her and she seems a little unsure as to what actually happened, and mayhaps a bit insecure and surely is ashamed that someone went through her privates when she wasn't actually consenting to it.
The only way to get her on the right track is to tell her that incest is not the way to go (cousins are bound by blood and should not make such commitments) and tell her what these guys did was wrong, and that sexual abuse exists in many forms. She's had sexual ed, no? Tell her the most obvious, and healthy, things about sex and relations with other people (men/boys). And she obviously should stay away from those guys and all guys like them for some time.
Thanks for your input guys, its helpful. I'm still not all so sure about how to approach the situation but hey, this isn't really more or less complex than anything else when it comes to girl. I'll just do my best, be there like I always am. Don't think I'll ever see the guy though. But I think its better like that. There's no use trying to intimidate him more, he already knows people in the family, and mainly her brother, would kill him if he ever did anything wrong to her.
So anyway. I'll keep supporting her and hopefully, nothing else happened and she won't even have to talk to me about it again.
She was, as it looks to me from what you just told, sexually abused. They took advantage of her and she seems a little unsure as to what actually happened, and mayhaps a bit insecure and surely is ashamed that someone went through her privates when she wasn't actually consenting to it.
The only way to get her on the right track is to tell her that incest is not the way to go (cousins are bound by blood and should not make such commitments) and tell her what these guys did was wrong, and that sexual abuse exists in many forms. She's had sexual ed, no? Tell her the most obvious, and healthy, things about sex and relations with other people (men/boys). And she obviously should stay away from those guys and all guys like them for some time.
Just my five cents.
I can assure you she knows that. She's actually one out of a thousands of girls I've ever seen that can see the difference most kids can't, which is why she's even my friend (I'm 20 and she's 16, yet we go along well).
This is a complex issue and with trust in the way, I mean I can't say it didn't happen but its unlikely. I know her well and the part of him being his cousin doesn't change anything (and nevermind that he's not the one that did it).
But yeah, she should stay away from them. She always knew that. She made a really stupid mistake, and thats her words. She's aware of it.
I'm not sure what you meant with the last paragraph. How does she -act-? She knows how dangerous they are and she knows she shouldn't be around people like that. She obviously regrets it, she just went with them for a stupid reason and didn't think about the possible consequences. Other than that, I'm not sure what you'Re trying to tell me there, sorry.
Does she act like a nice little girl or like a loose teenager that loves to partay, does she have lots of loose friends who drag her off places, or w/e. It will tell you why she went there, why she didn't think, and why she's likely to do it again.
Does she act like a nice little girl or like a loose teenager that loves to partay, does she have lots of loose friends who drag her off places, or w/e. It will tell you why she went there, why she didn't think, and why she's likely to do it again.
I see. I kinda know the why and how she is, but she's always been really hard to push around and influence...I'll take what you said in mind and try to understand her and why she did it a bit better.
One of her cousin is kind of in love with her, and we all know what he would do if she let him... but he doesn't do it, most likely because he knows he's dead if he do.
But of course, that guy's friends are like him... no, actually, they are worse, and are much less likely to restrain themselves. Again, everybody is aware of that.
I couldn't be more confused. Since I'm guess I'm supposed to assume what this is all about before getting to the punchline, are you saying they are more likely to rape?
So, today out of the blue (like, less than an hour ago actually), she tells me that, today, she was hanging out with him... and his buddies. Great, you all know where this could go, don't you?
Yeah, and we can probably assume alcohol was involved.
One of them tried on her, but didn't really -do it-. He touched her, but didn't go farther or insist too much. I asked if he hurt her... but the only answer I could get is "he didn't punch her". That sounds like he did hurt her, at least a bit. And thats when I started feeling really bad but thats not the point.
That's horrible. How did she get in this social situation in the first place? Is she just one of those stupid people with no survival instincts? And them saying, "oh well he didn't punch her at least.." Oh okay, well thanks goodnesss for that... :pinch:
She says its nothing. The reason for her to go with them was just a thing with a friend too, it was just a stupid reason. Thing is, all she could say is "its nothing, he didn't RAPE me", and she's just.. letting it go. I don't want to push her too much, but I just really didn't like how she's looking at this... like it was nothing but its... not. And thats pretty damn close to rape and easily could've been that.
You may wish to ascertain whether alcohol was involved or not. And if you suspect she was raped, she needs to go to the police as soon as possible and get a medical examination. I get dizzy just thinking about it.
I'm not sure why I'm posting that. I'm just shaken by this and I thought some people here could have a point of view about this to share. I've known a girl that got raped before.. and I'm sure we've all heard of someone not that far from us that did get raped. I don't know how I'd react if she did get raped, too.
Your concern for your friend is admirable. The thing is, if she really did get raped, she has to go to the hospital and talk to the police as soon as possible. But right now it sounds like whatever happened to her was really traumatic and she's shutting down in order to protect herself mentally. Besides her going to the authorities, I mean, you may not be able to make her do all of it. So that aside, all that's left for you to do is support her.
Yeah, and we can probably assume alcohol was involved.
That's horrible. How did she get in this social situation in the first place? Is she just one of those stupid people with no survival instincts? And them saying, "oh well he didn't punch her at least.." Oh okay, well thanks goodnesss for that... :pinch:
At least I'm not the only one thinking along those lines...
I've seen really similar things happen before, my one bud's little sister, nice girl and all...
But wow, you'd swear she has no interest in self preservation.
She gets hammered, runs out with guys that are crazy about her, then bitches when she gets taken advantage of.
Not comparing this to your possibly raped friend SFJake, just throwing it out there for a comparison to no survival instincts.
Anywho....
As for your situation, I don't mean to say that it's her fault, but in a sense it is.
If she's fully aware that her cousin is in love with her and would do things to her given the chance, and her buds are the same way, what reasoning went behind hanging out with all of them alone?
Again, I'm not saying that it's her fault she was taken advantage of, that would be a terrible thing to say in ANY situation, but it really sounds like she could have easily prevented this.
Anywho... like others have said, it really sounds like she's covering something up.
If she randomly told you out of the blue, then that really seems like a call for help.
Obviously she wanted to talk to you about it, she wanted somebody to help her out with it, I'd try pressing her further soon...
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I'm obviously talking about a girl I know, a very good friend of mine you could say. I'll just give the necessary backstory info first: One of her cousin is kind of in love with her, and we all know what he would do if she let him... but he doesn't do it, most likely because he knows he's dead if he do.
But of course, that guy's friends are like him... no, actually, they are worse, and are much less likely to restrain themselves. Again, everybody is aware of that.
So, today out of the blue (like, less than an hour ago actually), she tells me that, today, she was hanging out with him... and his buddies. Great, you all know where this could go, don't you?
One of them tried on her, but didn't really -do it-. He touched her, but didn't go farther or insist too much. I asked if he hurt her... but the only answer I could get is "he didn't punch her". That sounds like he did hurt her, at least a bit. And thats when I started feeling really bad but thats not the point.
She says its nothing. The reason for her to go with them was just a thing with a friend too, it was just a stupid reason. Thing is, all she could say is "its nothing, he didn't RAPE me", and she's just.. letting it go. I don't want to push her too much, but I just really didn't like how she's looking at this... like it was nothing but its... not. And thats pretty damn close to rape and easily could've been that.
I'm not sure why I'm posting that. I'm just shaken by this and I thought some people here could have a point of view about this to share. I've known a girl that got raped before.. and I'm sure we've all heard of someone not that far from us that did get raped. I don't know how I'd react if she did get raped, too.
But whats rape, then? I don't think what he did to her was rape, at least not any major kind of rape. It certainly wasn't right though, and it was against her will.
I'm just saying I'm pretty damn sure she didn't actually get raped. But I'm also sure what he did is enough to get him in jail. Especially since he's way over 18 and she's 16.
Whether she was raped or not telling people about it generally makes things worse, not better. What's she's going to achieve, really? He may have done enough to break the law but good luck actually getting him in jail. Most reports of rape or other are ignored, and sometimes may even get you in trouble. Want to defend against rape, get a gun. And don't hang out with those people, and people who hang out with those people. That's the only thing that will have a chance of protecting you.
Don't like what this looks like? Welcome to "my" world. If you want to know why she acts the way she does, maybe you should start paying attention to what people say around her, how they say it, and how everyone else reacts to it. Her parents... her friends.
This is really, really, really common. I forget the numbers, but the number of reported rapes is believed to be only a small fraction of what actually occurs.
There's too much truth to what you're saying, sadly. Its true that even if we reported it, there's probably just no proof.
I'm not sure what you meant with the last paragraph. How does she -act-? She knows how dangerous they are and she knows she shouldn't be around people like that. She obviously regrets it, she just went with them for a stupid reason and didn't think about the possible consequences. Other than that, I'm not sure what you'Re trying to tell me there, sorry.
Yeah, there's a few people thats quite fucked up in that family, and he's the worse. Like I said though, he's won't go that far, but when he's with his friends, he might. He's also quite the stalker at times, I know for a time he was constantly knocking at her door everyday and always trying to see her even if she refused.
I talked to her anyway, and I'm sure she won't make the mistake twice. I just hope its nothing worse than it looks and that it won't happen again.
Thats true, but I still think thats not what happened. At worse she got hurt, but not raped. She didn't look that affected after she told me but I guess its hard to tell. Besides, why would she lie? She's not telling everybody for sure. But she came to me and told me. Why would you then lie and say that you didn't get raped?
I did a psychology module at uni that touched on the subject. I do not have the actual numbers in my head right now, but a great majority (over 70%) of rape occur through a person the victim knows and a high percentage of it goes unreported.
Denial, self-esteem, embarrassment, exclusion, fear of retaliatory action are all factors that can cause a victim to try and conceal the matter.
Let's face it, even you do not want to admit that such a thing could have happened. Perfectly understandable seeing that this is one of the most lowly crime and action a human being can sink down to. Whatever happened, she's probably not ready to talk about it. It does contribute to psychological and behavioral disturbances (shown by studies) if she tries repressing it for too long a time. Giving her the required emotional support until she's able to come to terms with her own feelings is commonly done by psychologists. Obviously the latter will have a more professional take on the matter. But not many people will go to them for help.
And ya, she most certainly does care whatever you may think.
I come from australia and i am studying at a university whilst living on campus as part of our living on campus we have to attend this sexual assault talk. The guy who talked to us was a lawyer he said that rape is(something along the lines of cant remember exactly what he said)anyway he said by law rape is the penetration of any orifice by any object in a sexual manner. An example that he gave was he has talked to many guys who have fingered a girl without consent and get sent to jail for rape but this is australia and im not sure if its the same for anywhere else.
The only way to get her on the right track is to tell her that incest is not the way to go (cousins are bound by blood and should not make such commitments) and tell her what these guys did was wrong, and that sexual abuse exists in many forms. She's had sexual ed, no? Tell her the most obvious, and healthy, things about sex and relations with other people (men/boys). And she obviously should stay away from those guys and all guys like them for some time.
Just my five cents.
So anyway. I'll keep supporting her and hopefully, nothing else happened and she won't even have to talk to me about it again.
I can assure you she knows that. She's actually one out of a thousands of girls I've ever seen that can see the difference most kids can't, which is why she's even my friend (I'm 20 and she's 16, yet we go along well).
This is a complex issue and with trust in the way, I mean I can't say it didn't happen but its unlikely. I know her well and the part of him being his cousin doesn't change anything (and nevermind that he's not the one that did it).
But yeah, she should stay away from them. She always knew that. She made a really stupid mistake, and thats her words. She's aware of it.
I couldn't be more confused. Since I'm guess I'm supposed to assume what this is all about before getting to the punchline, are you saying they are more likely to rape?
Yeah, and we can probably assume alcohol was involved.
That's horrible. How did she get in this social situation in the first place? Is she just one of those stupid people with no survival instincts? And them saying, "oh well he didn't punch her at least.." Oh okay, well thanks goodnesss for that... :pinch:
You may wish to ascertain whether alcohol was involved or not. And if you suspect she was raped, she needs to go to the police as soon as possible and get a medical examination. I get dizzy just thinking about it.
Your concern for your friend is admirable. The thing is, if she really did get raped, she has to go to the hospital and talk to the police as soon as possible. But right now it sounds like whatever happened to her was really traumatic and she's shutting down in order to protect herself mentally. Besides her going to the authorities, I mean, you may not be able to make her do all of it. So that aside, all that's left for you to do is support her.
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I've seen really similar things happen before, my one bud's little sister, nice girl and all...
But wow, you'd swear she has no interest in self preservation.
She gets hammered, runs out with guys that are crazy about her, then bitches when she gets taken advantage of.
Not comparing this to your possibly raped friend SFJake, just throwing it out there for a comparison to no survival instincts.
Anywho....
As for your situation, I don't mean to say that it's her fault, but in a sense it is.
If she's fully aware that her cousin is in love with her and would do things to her given the chance, and her buds are the same way, what reasoning went behind hanging out with all of them alone?
Again, I'm not saying that it's her fault she was taken advantage of, that would be a terrible thing to say in ANY situation, but it really sounds like she could have easily prevented this.
Anywho... like others have said, it really sounds like she's covering something up.
If she randomly told you out of the blue, then that really seems like a call for help.
Obviously she wanted to talk to you about it, she wanted somebody to help her out with it, I'd try pressing her further soon...